It’s upon us again. It seems to arrive earlier every year, doesn’t it? It’s the time when families gather. Family members travel far distances to be together with one another. Everyone starts to put up the Christmas decorations, Pinterest-worthy photos of decked out homes flood our social media feeds and those perfect family Christmas card photos are being taken and shared everywhere.
I have friends who have had their homes decorated for Christmas since before November 1st and friends who probably already have their children’s Christmas clothes and matching PJ’s purchased. I LOVE all of these friends! I admire these friends! No judgment passing at all here – I was once one of them, too!
Then there are the broken hearted, like me, who are just trying to survive these next two months. I always think I’m going to be okay. That this year will be easier. But, then it arrives and I realize it’s no different than the previous year.
Some of us are grieving the recent loss of loved ones, or maybe not so recent. Grief has no timeline. Some of us are separated from loved ones due to messy circumstances, broken relationships or unmended rips in our families. We have extra daily reminders of what, or who, is missing during this season.
I personally, am experiencing both types of grief again this year. I’m missing a grandma who raised me that passed last year and I’m longing for loved ones right here on this earth. My father, a grown son, a sister and nephew who either can’t or won’t be all together with us this year in one place.
There are holes where these loved ones are missing. Christmas card photographs that can’t be taken because you can’t exclude the one that’s alive but missing, but you don’t want to send out a photo that leaves them out either. I’ve done some creative things in the past to try and piece something together for the public eye. I’ve found that hurts worse than just not doing it at all. We are planning and navigating family gatherings where not everyone wants to, or even can, see each other – but I love and want to see them ALL! Together.
I feel it start to creep in every year. The tightness and burning in my chest that doesn’t pass. The pinch in my throat that alerts me to the fact that I’m seconds away from stinging, leaky eyes and I better seek privacy fast. I start to go inward. I want to attend the events. I want to be merry! I want to decorate my house, too! I have to and I will – I have little ones at home who are looking forward to it!
For those of us with little ones at home, it’s both easier and harder. We can’t just NOT do the traditional Thanksgiving and Christmas things. Well, we could not do them, but I’m going to suck it up, stuff it all inside as much as possible and do this thing for my family. I have to put one foot in front of the other and go through the motions to make a Thanksgiving and Christmas experience for my young children and my spouse, that is nice enough.
They need me to do this. I need to do this for them.
So how do I survive, and how can you survive, too, if you’re right here with me?
What if we do more than survive? What if we embrace ALL that is and allow it to shape our Christmas preparation and celebration into something even more special?
I’m writing this as much for myself as I am anyone else, because some days are so hard that I need to refer to my own survival guide. Maybe it’s not a survival guide at all, though. Maybe this is doing it right! I’m definitely not saying any other way is wrong, but maybe for me and for my family, and maybe for yours, too, this is the only and best way to do the holidays.
1. Cling to Jesus!
I mean, I am picturing myself daily on my face in front of his manger crib crying and worshipping him. I get it more, now. I see how broken this world is. I know how broken I am.
Yet, my God sent his own Son right down here onto this messy earth for people EXACTLY like you and me. Jesus came to live and walk and feel and experience ALL that we feel. He must have felt like I do many days. He was surely broken hearted. He surely knows what the tight burning in your chest feels like and how that pinch at the back of your throat sneaks up out of nowhere. He’s probably even more familiar with it than me.
Wow! When I stop to really think, our heavenly Father is separated from hundreds of thousands and millions of his own children who don’t come to His table and gather with the rest of His family. And, he loves them as much and even more than I love my loved ones that I’m missing. I can’t fathom his grief, but I can take comfort in knowing that He KNOWS mine.
2. Keep it simple.
I’ve found that some of my kids’ favorite memories are the most simple ones that involve spending time together. Never once have they talked about the pretty ribbons and bows on our Christmas Tree from last year. I’m quite sure they don’t remember what was on the menu and wouldn’t know if it was from scratch or if I cheated and used store bought dough and canned yams. As much as they are already making their wish lists, I would be surprised if they could list the gifts they received last year.
What they do remember is the Thanksgiving morning we passed out meals to the poor. They remember our traditional Grinch family movie night with green Grinch themed food. They have forgotten the things on their wish lists that they didn’t receive last year, but they haven’t forgotten the caroling that we said we were going to do and then never made happen. They love the memories we made standing and shivering for hours in long lines waiting to take a hayride through a living reenactment of Bethlehem.
What they crave is family game nights by a cozy fire with some colorful (not necessarily stylish) Christmas lights. We retired the Elf on the Shelf a few years ago and our kids now know the deal about Santa. They will tell you they are glad for both of these things! It’s a whole lot less stress and things to add to my “to do” list too. Now we can talk openly about the real reason we celebrate and we can focus on THAT together as a family.
3. Turn off social media for a while if needed.
Some days it’s fine. Some days I enjoy scrolling and seeing all of the smiling photos and sweet experiences of my friends. Some days I like to share mine too, until I catch myself not being authentic and painting a prettier picture for the world than my reality that day. Other days I know I’m not up for it. In fact, if I’m honest, I know the minute I start to scroll which kind of day it is. We need to be kind to ourselves and practice self control and self preservation. It’s okay to take a break from social media. It might even be needed.
4. Know when you need to be alone.
There are times, tonight is one, where I just don’t want my family to see my forced smile or hear my cracking voice. There are times when I am overwhelmed by it all and I need to be alone for a while and that’s okay. It’s harder to get alone time when you have little ones, but if I have to choose between letting the kids watch a wholesome movie and letting them see mommy sad and cranky, a little screen time is better. When I am not okay, I’m not a good Mom. When I can feel that I don’t have anything in me to give, I can’t keep pretending and forcing it, or things get ugly fast. I need to recognize that and recharge, alone (or preferably alone with Jesus.)
5. Serve others and give to the less fortunate.
I need to get outside of myself and this time of year you can find more opportunities to do this than any other time of the year! Bringing joy to someone else who really needs some is the fastest way for me, personally, to feel joyful again, myself. Serving in a soup kitchen, passing out Thanksgiving meals, visiting others with no family or who are separated from their family in nursing homes or hospitals, or this year I’m even considering jails. There is no faster way to fill my cup back up. I can assure you that loving others who are hurting or lonely brings a longer lasting and deeper peace than the prettiest Christmas tree or the most perfect front door wreath.
6. Order online.
This is just a personal thing that helps me not get caught up in the consumerism of the holidays. I pick specific things for everyone on my list, put them in my cart, pay and I’m done. I don’t have to go into the crowds and the over sensory filled shopping malls that suddenly make me feel like I don’t have enough, am not giving enough or I, myself, am not enough. I am enough! You are enough! Stores will quickly make you feel otherwise because they want you to think that you need to buy something more to keep up with everyone else. You can’t wish you had what you haven’t seen. Steer clear of the stores!
7. Conserve energy.
This is HUGE. So many of the things on this list are all about conserving energy but here is why it’s so important. Grief is the most energy zapping thing I have ever experienced. Energy just seems to flow right out of my broken heart some days. This is normal and it’s okay. What I have to do is to forgive myself for it, expect it and make accommodations for myself that allow for it. I have to conserve the energy that I do have for what really matters. I can not expect myself to keep up with my Martha Stewart friends. There was a time when I could and maybe there will be a time, some day, when I can again. It’s not now though.
Right now, it’s okay to take short-cuts, skip parties, use store bought bows, and say, “No” to unimportant things to be able to say YES and have energy for what really matters.
8. Put on blinders.
Don’t fall into the comparison trap. Knowing what your neighbor is doing or your kid’s friend’s family is doing is NOT necessary. Being present for my family and attentive to my family IS necessary.
Having the best dressed family or the perfect assortment of homemade cookies or the most crafty teacher’s gifts is not necessary. It’s not bad. I can and do enjoy seeing what others come up with and are able to pull off, but my family can have just as nice of a Christmas season without all of those things. And if it means that I have leftover energy to spend quality time, present and in the moment with my family, it’s what I need to do. I really wish I could walk around this season with a pair of blinders focusing my eyesight forward and looking through a lens with the image of Jesus in the manger scene etched on it, filtering everything through that image.
9. Get out of your head.
Turn on Christian Christmas music. Turn on worship music, listen to podcasts, listen to audio-books while working around the house or driving. These are all ways that I can get out of my head and away from the thoughts that pull me back into my grief. Sometimes we need distractions. Sometimes too much quiet is not good. Choose good distractions!
10-.Time with Jesus.
This season, more than any other – I need Jesus! I know I need Him always, but I cannot allow myself to spend too much time away from him this season. I need to stay in His word. I need to remind myself of His truths. I need to talk to him all day long every day and keep him CLOSE. In a way I find this kind of beautiful, really, after all it is His Birthday that we are all gearing up to remember and celebrate. Keeping Him forefront in my mind in all that I do is probably the BEST Birthday gift I could give Him and the best gift I can give myself and my family.
I think I’ll print these 10 things and tac them up somewhere to refer to, myself. I wrote these things so I should know what they are, but I still have to constantly remind myself of them, too. I hope you read this and you hear that you aren’t the only one who hurts more this time of year. I hope knowing you aren’t alone brings a little comfort. I hope remembering that you don’t always know what your friends and neighbors are experiencing this Christmas helps someone to be more kind. I hope some of my suggestions work for someone else who is broken hearted this Christmas Season.
Can you relate to something I’ve shared? If so, share it! Share so others can know that there are more than just the two of us. I’d love to hear any other helpful tips or strategies that you find help you most during the holidays.We are walking through this season together!
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed” Psalms 34:18 NLT
“God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him.” John 3:17 NLT
